My Demon is Finally at Bay

I wrote the following in December 2013 and since then I am very proud and happy to say that me and my demon have finally found a way to coexist. We have a healthy balance between us and we keep each other in check. We had a bit of a clash around December 2014 but we had a little chat and both backed down.

Everyday I am feeling stronger, happier, healthier and more able to cope with what life throws at me. I have not yet found inner peace but I have found the road that leads to it and I am well on my way. I'm posting this to firstly remind myself of how far I've come and to remind myself to be proud of my achievements and victories no matter how small they may be and secondly to say to anyone out there battling their own demons/black dogs etc... you are not alone!

" That dark shadow lurking in the background has stepped forward again. I thought I finally had it under control but it seems I was being lulled into a false sense of security. I am now up to 40mg of citalopram and quite frankly my life is great. So why in the hell is it back? How has it managed to manifest yet again? Why does it present itself when I'm happy and settled and things are going well?

I'll tell you why, because I let my guard down and it is an opportunistic b*stard just like bacterial diseases.
The last couple of months have been a mental nightmare and I can safely say alcohol has been the main catalyst to an explosive cocktail. What can I say "it's xmas"! If you ask most people with depression there will be some form of vice, whether it is alcohol or drugs or who knows what, but they will tell you they need an outlet. My was alcohol, I wanted to go out, drink and forget all my troubles by dousing them in spirits!
I had been out a few times and had literally a few drinks but those drinks in combination with the dosage of citalopram was enough to turn me into a vile absolutely crazy monster. I became uncontrollable, angry and spiteful towards the one person I care about most in the world, my rock, my hero, the absolute love of my life. I started spouting gibberish and I was confusing a fantasy dream world and a very over active imagination with reality, talking to people who weren't really there and quite honestly it was starting to scare people around me and it was scaring myself!
Note to self when a doctor gives you tablets and says "it's not advisable to drink on these" it's probably a really bad idea to drink on them.
So once again I'm in the position of asking that question that me and a lot of people who suffer with this, hate..............please help me because I'm not coping. The drinking was my cry for help, but it is very rarely seen as that. You just have to bite the bullet and actually ask.

Why am I writing this? Why am I sharing this with the entire online world? Same reasons as always....................sharing is caring and I want those of you in a similar situation to know that you're not alone, that everything WILL be ok, that YOU will be fine and help is available if you want it and I would really recommend getting it.

Now don't get me wrong I am not an alcoholic, I'm talking about going out once a month maybe, but that was enough to ignite a raging fire and allow the darkness to fall back over me, a darkness which I had just managed to push back and keep at bay, through hard exhausting work and in a couple of months it had come tearing back through.

A few days ago I had a chat with a very intelligent, remarkable man. He told me about his demon and how it's always with him. It's there when he goes out with the lads, it's there when he's sat on the sofa, sat right next to him just waiting. He said he realised that it is always with him so instead of fighting it all the time he began to live with it and co-exist and eventually he took the control from his demon and now he is in full control of his life.
This made me realise that trying to fight my demon (depression) is always going to be a losing battle because it's not going anywhere. Even your doctor will tell you that - once you have a major depressive episode you are prone to further depressive episodes. So I must try to live with it.
Now I have only drawn to this conclusion today so this is the start of my journey, my co-existence with that dark lurking ominous presence. As it has been quoted to me "you are ill, you will always be ill but you can get better" better........not cured. I was always looking for a cure (aren't we all), a quick fix, pop a pill and it will all magically go away. Truth is with mental illness there is no straight answer, no quick solution, no magic pill to take the pain and suffering away or in some cases a pill to give you some sort of feeling or emotion, because depression (in my case anyway) leaves you void of all emotion. That's one of the hardest parts for me. I crave some emotion, any emotion even despair, sadness, anything at all. I don't care what. It's better than feeling nothing at all because the numbness is a killer and that's what pushes me to think, I may as well not be here.

Different people deal with it differently..........because they are different - key word right there.
Instead I am now looking at coping mechanisms, structure, routine. I am also looking to make myself stronger so that I am in control of my demon, so that it is kept at bay and we learn to co-exist with a healthy balance between us. I don't know how long it will take me to find that balance, I don't even know if I'll find it but I'm going to give it a damn good try, for my loved ones, but more importantly for myself.

So here I am once again hitting an all time low but I now know what I'm up against and acceptance is the key.
I accept I am ill, I accept I will be ill for the rest of my life, I accept that I will need medication, I accept that alcohol is a terrible catalyst, I accept that it is ok to ask for help but most importantly I accept myself, who I am, my responsibilities and I accept that the darkness, the demon is part of me and I need to learn to live with it. Finally I accept all that I am and all I can be and I promise to myself that person will be healthy, happy and amazing  "