I wrote this on wordpress almost two years ago to share with the world how bloody difficult becoming a parent is. I would say, especially if you suffer with a mental illness but you know what...becoming a parent is bloody hard regardless of whether you're mentally healthy or not. The sleepless nights, the lack of adult connection, the constant images of blissful happiness you are 'supposed' to be living. What you're served up with is a beautifully romantic tale of boy meets girl and then a wonderous event occurs and they have a darling child who completes their life and everything is wonderful and they live happily ever after. Sound familiar? You know it's bullshit! So I wanted to share with you my first ever blog to give some insight into what exactly to expect...and I'm afraid it's not going to be sugar-coated.
" So giving birth is actually the easy part!
I want to start by saying a massive thank you to my family, especially my mum, sister and my partners mum, to my friends and our little group who are always available for company and to eat whatever I provide them with (I'm a feeder) best way to get company...give them food. Thanks for all your support and help over the past few months and finally thank you to my wonderful partner. Without you I can not exist.
For those of you who don't know, I suffer with depression, which has been insanely bad since having my beautiful baby girl. She is the most beautiful, perfect little being that anyone could ever ask for and I am truly blessed to have her in my life but in all honesty I have only recently felt this way about her. When she was first born I was completely unprepared for what being a parent entailed and quite frankly it was hell!
I am sharing this with you because some of you may have been through it yourself, some of you may be about to go through it and like myself your expectations may be completely different, or you know someone who is about to embark on this incredible painful, emotional and terrifying journey and I want you to know the truth, to know you're not alone and to know we're all in this together.
If it's yourself, my advice is stay strong, keep your chin up and don't be afraid to ask for help.........from EVERYONE!
If it's someone you know all you need to do is be there for them. The simpliest things such as making a cuppa can make the hugest difference to their day.
I am also writing this because I know that the books, health professionals, pictures and every little piece of information given to you will make you feel like crap if you find your situation and feelings don't match the "gospel".....and that's exactly what it is for a new mum, any information given to us we take as gospel and we become distressed and start to believe we are failures, we start to question ourselves and our ability to do what other women across centuries have done. Why aren't I as happy as the mum and baby in that picture, why is such and such down the street coping fine with this and I am not? I wonder if deep down the other new mums around me are also hiding behind a fake smile and are just as troubled? Of course they are, look a bit closer they are just as bloody tired, just as upset and frustrated but whether it's the British etiquette that resides in us or the overwhelming urge to be mum of the year, we all lie! "How's it going?" "Oh, good thanks, yeah, we're a little tired but apart from that it's wonderful". I call bullshit!
For the first 3 weeks of my daughters life all I did was cry. I started to have panic attacks and I genuinely thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life and that I had completely ruined my partners life. I was ready for him to leave me and I was ready to find a way to cope by myself (now don't get me wrong, my little terroriser was a wanted baby, during pregnancy I was so excited and desperate to meet her) but when she arrived a flood of emotion arrived with her and it wasn't at all what I expected. You know the instant bond, undying love and all that other crap you're fed through various media? Yeah I didn't get any of that. I honestly thought I had completely ruined our lives by bringing her into our world.
These thoughts aside, my amazing boyfriend stood by me and has been the most perfect and supportive person in the world. He has seen me through my lowest points and helped me to fight the depression head on. He may not fully understand the workings of my brain (let's be honest even Freud couldn't) but he stills loves me and my mental ways and is always there for me.
Throughout the pregnancy (which was horrendous by the way) he was an absolute gem. When I was in pain, discomfort or just balling my eyes out at 4 in the morning he was there, rubbing my back, making me tea and just holding me and comforting me. He constantly wished he could take the pain away and I would smile and say it would all be worth it.
When she was born things just got worse. She wouldn't take to breastfeeding (and breast is best don't you know!) and I remember the final night of attempting to feed her I was up on the hour every hour and I finally broke with exhaustion. That's when my mum showed up with formula and formula, by the way, is NOT giving up. Letting your child starve is giving up, ok!!! Don't let anyone EVER make you feel shit because breastfeeding didn't work for you. I was so exhausted my partner and my mother took over so I could finally sleep. I do not doubt, for one minute that my wonderful partner was himself suffering from stress, exhaustion and maybe even feeling a little low but he never showed it. He just carried on and supported me.
In a way this didn't help my depression as I began to feel guilty for him and as always I tried to put him (and others) before myself (depression is a bastard like that, it makes you feel guilt and shame for no apparent reason ). I knew that he worked hard all day so I felt crap knowing that his day didn't finish when he got home because he would then have to console a teary, stressed out woman who spent her days caring for her child and neglecting herself which meant he then had to care for me.
Now this is not a selfish point I am raising, though it will sound it and I will explain why. If you neglect to care for yourself, you can not care for your child, simple as that! I stopped eating, drinking and sleeping (kind of vital things for the whole staying alive thing), I became very ill and unable to even muster up the brain power to construct a basic sentence. I had become a bumbling, weak wreck. My day consisted of caring for the baby, feeding her, changing her, consoling her, there was nothing in the day for me not even a cup of tea (tea is good by the way, it is a magical elixir). When you have deprived yourself of the basic substances needed to sustain your body and give you energy you start to fail at carrying out the simpliest tasks such as caring for your child. I was so weak, I was struggling to lift her.
So the point I'm making is take care of yourself first! Yes I said it....PUT YOURSELF FIRST! Sure your baby is your top priority but she NEEDS you fit, healthy, emotionally and physically able to care for her. She is dependant entirely on you.
This is but a snippet of the things I have endured mentally. I am by no means cured of depression and every day is a different struggle but things are getting better. I am actually starting to feel again. I have emotions and I am making a proper connection with my daughter and we are starting to bond, something initially I was unable to do. With the support of partner, my mum, my family and friends I took action. I sought medical help and I have been put back on a high dose of antidepressants and I have been given a wealth of support by health professionals.
I was numb, I was void of all feelings and emotions and didn't feel anything towards my beautiful new baby. I wasn't bonding, I didn't feel maternal and I didn't feel that instant rush of love that is described in all the baby literature. When I looked at her I despaired, all I could think is "What the hell have I done? I can't do this".
Now when I look at her I get a warm adoring sensation. I absolutely love her. We talk babble to each other, I sing to her, kiss her and we are bonding as mother and daughter should. I am feeling again and everytime I look at her I can't help but smile.
So to those of you who have/are currently/or will experience the joys of motherhood, if it doesn't go by the book then do not despair.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
There are lots of us out there who have and are still struggling. I take it slowly day by day and I still suffer some horrendous down days but I thought I would share this brief glimpse into part of what I've been through in the hope that it encourages you to speak up if you are feeling down or like you can't cope. There is lots of help out there all you have to do is ask. "
Since writing that I have gone from strength to strength. My beautiful terroriser is almost 2 and yes there are some really shit days and days where I want to bury my head to escape the constant whinging but things are better. I wouldn't change her or my situation for the world but the one thing I always make sure I do is tell the damn truth! Today has been shit because of this, this and this, I no longer sugar coat or essentially lie to cover up what I'm feeling, which if you all ask yourself (honestly now!!!) is that not better? Let's share and support each other instead of dying inside whilst smiling and saying to Mrs Jones "oh no, everything is perfect, we've never been happier".
Mental health issues or not being a parent is bloody hard work and me and a million other parents are right there with you, through the good and the bad times! If you are suffering don't be afraid to speak out and ask for help and don't be afraid to share your true feelings. You may even find that 'perfect mum' you speak to at the toddler classes is feeling just as under pressure as you are and you'll be surprised where a little honesty will lead you.
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