Snippets.......

A collection of my random thoughts, feelings and things that I just have to share. Some will be profound statements of inner enlightenment, others will be absolute bollocks!.........................Enjoy delving into my psyche, if you find my marbles, be a dear and let me know xXx

11/01/15 - I always try to be a good person but I sometimes lose my way. This year, I will try to be a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better friend and a better person and I'm going to start by loving and accepting myself. By doing that I will hopefully then have inner peace and will be better able to spread love and kindness to everyone and hopefully, in some way, enrich your lives as well as my own! Well that's my thought for the night anyway!!!

26/03/15 - You search, you analyse, you over-analyse.......but some answers are just not meant to be found! I'm not saying give up, I'm saying don't make it the sole focus of your existence because you will miss all the beauty that passes you in your minds absence! xXx

09/04/15 - It smells like rain!.........it's not raining.

13/04/15 - I love my daughter she's batshit crazy!
Whilst curling up in bed with the terroriser, doing our nightly ritual of singalongs and stories,  the terroriser begins to stroke her own face...
Terroriser: mummy where my eyebrows gone?
Me: (trying not to laugh hysterically) what?  What do you mean? Their right there. Here,  feel.
Terroriser: (sounding slightly more alarmed) no they gone. Nana got them.
Me: (about to piss my pants) what?
Terroriser: she wipe my face
Me: well she didn't wipe them off sweetheart
Terroriser: (still rubbing her forehead trying to locate her eyebrows) yeah, they gone now mummy. Where my eyebrows gone?
Me: sweetheart they're still on your head
Terroriser: (feels head, grabs a lock of hair) here it is! Stick it back on mummy!
Me: (just pure deep belly laughter!)

I frickin love that kid!

14/04/15 - What a sorry state this world has become where artistic expression is viewed as anything but what it is. How very sad!

01/05/15 - Pinch, punch the first day of the month.....No returns!!!

03/05/15 - I'm the kind of woman that when my feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says "oh shit, she's awake".
Justice is not served by some imaginary man in the sky or some red, horned demon below us. You hurt my family or friends and justice is served by me and let me tell you I am one unforgiving bitch!!!

13/05/15 -
Me: And a glass of Ròse please
Waitress: Is that small, medium or large?
Me: I'm a mother and I work for the NHS
Waitress: I'll get you a bottle and a straw!

14/07/15 -
How extraordinary that the actions of a single person can thrust you into looking at yourself in an entirely different way. Re-evaluating everything you do, everything you are and everything you thought you might be. Today I have pushed to the limits of anger, which in turn has actually made me feel stronger.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will kick ass!
#keeptheban

12/08/15 -
What do flies see in shit? Seriously what's in it for them? It's waste products passed by animals. Does it really have any nutrient value to bugs?
Ewwwww! When walking your dog, be a dear and clean up their crap! I don't want to ponder the nutritional value of shit to a fly when I walk down the street! Ta x

4/12/15 -
Dear Mr Cameron, merry fucking christmas you absolute shit stain!
Hope you are safe and warm and sleeping well in the knowledge that your children are safe and well and not at risk from a bomb falling on their home.
I hope that you find solace in the knowledge that whatever shit storm you brew up won't actually affect you personally but fuck the rest of us right?!
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
#NotInMyName #PeopleToPeopleSolidarity #NoBorders

8/3/16 -
Annabelle: mummy, I smell like apples
Me: oh do you?
Annabelle: yeah and you smell like strawberries
Me: oh lovely
Annabelle: yeah and daddy smells like sluts
Me: what did you say?
Annabelle: sluts, daddy smells like crunchy sluts
Me: take your dummy out, what does daddy smell like
Annabelle: NUTS!

11/3/16 -
If you work 9 to 5 why do you start work early and finish late? You're only paid from 9 til 5....
That is sooooo true! I turn up early and stay because I care. Because people are depending on me, often for the good of their health but in some cases...their life!
I stay because I don't want to let my patients or my colleagues down.
I also do it because my conscience gets the better of me and that's what those assholes like Ceremy hUNT thrive on.
I can't leave knowing my job isn't finished.
I can't leave knowing there is still 10 more patients sat at home waiting for my call.
I can't leave knowing I am on annual leave the following week and what I don't finish, my overworked, overstressed and overstretched colleagues will have to pick up.
I just can't do it. Why? Because I care... I got into a caring profession because I care...and because I care, those who don't care will exploit that as my weakness.
Well fuck the people that don't care! Fuck Ceremy hUNT and fuck the cockwombling tories for not caring and not helping those in need. I may work beyond my contracted hours doing tasks I am not contracted to do but I do it for those in need not for the those who believe themselves above us and so long as there is an NHS to fight for, I will fight for it until my dying breath and I will stand in solidarity with the Junior Doctors and all others you attack and oppose.
We will not be defeated and we will not give up our precious NHS and above all else...I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY PATIENTS!!!

The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters

What a wonderfully expressive title!
The sleep of reason produces monsters, is one of my all time favourite pieces of art. It is an etching created in 1799 by an artist named Francisco Goya.
The meaning of the etching holds an entirely different reason to me, than Goya had intended to portray but the underlying fundamental principles are relatively the same.

When I view the picture I am instantly drawn to the dark monsters swooping in towards the sleeper and the dark creatures lying in wait, staring with daggered eyes, both at the sleeper and staring out at the viewer. It is an uneasy feeling but not one that is completely foreign to me. 

You see the title itself holds a lot of explanation. The sleep of reason........if you allow your logical reasoning to be suppressed, your imagination starts pushing through and running wild and therefore........produces monsters.

Depression has an overbearing urge to produce monsters, it's an absolute bastard like that. The most irrational and disturbing thoughts and feelings burst through, worst of which are guilt and shame. They really are the worst two feelings produced when your logical mind begins to crumble and your depressive hell-demons awaken. It's hard to describe to someone who has never been through it themselves or who doesn't have a close connection with someone who has, just how irrational your thought processes can be and that there really is nothing you can do about them.

I remember when I first had my little terroriser, I suffered with post natal depression and for the first time in my life I suffered panic attacks. Let me just say my heart goes out to anyone that suffers from panic attacks. Thankfully that was the first and hopefully the last time I had those and they are horrific. So to all you sufferers out there, I send my biggest hugs, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get them on a regular basis. Mine were brought on initially by the depression. The depression stripped me of my reason, which sent my mind into overdrive and the monsters began to appear. Basically it was stupid things like, my lovely partner saying he would be home relatively early (in my mind that's around 6ish) and him not showing up until 8. The monsters would drive me to thinking he had been killed in an accident on the way home or something horrific like that and I would literally melt down and have a panic attack.

This lack of reasoning happens a lot in depression generally. My partner would be a bit quiet (having an off day as most people do) and I would instantly feel guilty and ashamed because in my head I had caused him to be down, it was my fault he was being quiet and withdrawn. I would then proceed to run around after him doing whatever I could to rectify the problem or cheer him up and just generally attempt to fix the problem "I" had caused. Really all the problem was, he was just having an off day and in actual fact it had nothing, what so ever, to do with me. Still that sleep of reason makes you think EVERYTHING is your fault.

The reason I love this depiction so much is because now that I am better in myself, I can look at it and see that irrationality behind it. When my depression plays up I look at this picture and think 'NO, You will not get the better of me and I will think logically and rationally' and in actual fact that helps me to keep those awful traits of depression at bay. Mainly because I can see how irrational it is, which means I have the ability to change my thought process.

For anyone who suffers from depression if you can find something you can hold onto, to keep you in the logical world and stop you being dragged into the neurotic, crazy, guilt ridden world, then I suggest you hold on to it as tight as you can. That one tiny thing, whatever it may be (for me it's just a picture) can really help to fight back those illogical thoughts, awaken your reasoning and keep those monsters at bay.