Snippets.......

A collection of my random thoughts, feelings and things that I just have to share. Some will be profound statements of inner enlightenment, others will be absolute bollocks!.........................Enjoy delving into my psyche, if you find my marbles, be a dear and let me know xXx

11/01/15 - I always try to be a good person but I sometimes lose my way. This year, I will try to be a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better friend and a better person and I'm going to start by loving and accepting myself. By doing that I will hopefully then have inner peace and will be better able to spread love and kindness to everyone and hopefully, in some way, enrich your lives as well as my own! Well that's my thought for the night anyway!!!

26/03/15 - You search, you analyse, you over-analyse.......but some answers are just not meant to be found! I'm not saying give up, I'm saying don't make it the sole focus of your existence because you will miss all the beauty that passes you in your minds absence! xXx

09/04/15 - It smells like rain!.........it's not raining.

13/04/15 - I love my daughter she's batshit crazy!
Whilst curling up in bed with the terroriser, doing our nightly ritual of singalongs and stories,  the terroriser begins to stroke her own face...
Terroriser: mummy where my eyebrows gone?
Me: (trying not to laugh hysterically) what?  What do you mean? Their right there. Here,  feel.
Terroriser: (sounding slightly more alarmed) no they gone. Nana got them.
Me: (about to piss my pants) what?
Terroriser: she wipe my face
Me: well she didn't wipe them off sweetheart
Terroriser: (still rubbing her forehead trying to locate her eyebrows) yeah, they gone now mummy. Where my eyebrows gone?
Me: sweetheart they're still on your head
Terroriser: (feels head, grabs a lock of hair) here it is! Stick it back on mummy!
Me: (just pure deep belly laughter!)

I frickin love that kid!

14/04/15 - What a sorry state this world has become where artistic expression is viewed as anything but what it is. How very sad!

01/05/15 - Pinch, punch the first day of the month.....No returns!!!

03/05/15 - I'm the kind of woman that when my feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says "oh shit, she's awake".
Justice is not served by some imaginary man in the sky or some red, horned demon below us. You hurt my family or friends and justice is served by me and let me tell you I am one unforgiving bitch!!!

13/05/15 -
Me: And a glass of Ròse please
Waitress: Is that small, medium or large?
Me: I'm a mother and I work for the NHS
Waitress: I'll get you a bottle and a straw!

14/07/15 -
How extraordinary that the actions of a single person can thrust you into looking at yourself in an entirely different way. Re-evaluating everything you do, everything you are and everything you thought you might be. Today I have pushed to the limits of anger, which in turn has actually made me feel stronger.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will kick ass!
#keeptheban

12/08/15 -
What do flies see in shit? Seriously what's in it for them? It's waste products passed by animals. Does it really have any nutrient value to bugs?
Ewwwww! When walking your dog, be a dear and clean up their crap! I don't want to ponder the nutritional value of shit to a fly when I walk down the street! Ta x

4/12/15 -
Dear Mr Cameron, merry fucking christmas you absolute shit stain!
Hope you are safe and warm and sleeping well in the knowledge that your children are safe and well and not at risk from a bomb falling on their home.
I hope that you find solace in the knowledge that whatever shit storm you brew up won't actually affect you personally but fuck the rest of us right?!
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
#NotInMyName #PeopleToPeopleSolidarity #NoBorders

8/3/16 -
Annabelle: mummy, I smell like apples
Me: oh do you?
Annabelle: yeah and you smell like strawberries
Me: oh lovely
Annabelle: yeah and daddy smells like sluts
Me: what did you say?
Annabelle: sluts, daddy smells like crunchy sluts
Me: take your dummy out, what does daddy smell like
Annabelle: NUTS!

11/3/16 -
If you work 9 to 5 why do you start work early and finish late? You're only paid from 9 til 5....
That is sooooo true! I turn up early and stay because I care. Because people are depending on me, often for the good of their health but in some cases...their life!
I stay because I don't want to let my patients or my colleagues down.
I also do it because my conscience gets the better of me and that's what those assholes like Ceremy hUNT thrive on.
I can't leave knowing my job isn't finished.
I can't leave knowing there is still 10 more patients sat at home waiting for my call.
I can't leave knowing I am on annual leave the following week and what I don't finish, my overworked, overstressed and overstretched colleagues will have to pick up.
I just can't do it. Why? Because I care... I got into a caring profession because I care...and because I care, those who don't care will exploit that as my weakness.
Well fuck the people that don't care! Fuck Ceremy hUNT and fuck the cockwombling tories for not caring and not helping those in need. I may work beyond my contracted hours doing tasks I am not contracted to do but I do it for those in need not for the those who believe themselves above us and so long as there is an NHS to fight for, I will fight for it until my dying breath and I will stand in solidarity with the Junior Doctors and all others you attack and oppose.
We will not be defeated and we will not give up our precious NHS and above all else...I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY PATIENTS!!!

The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters

What a wonderfully expressive title!
The sleep of reason produces monsters, is one of my all time favourite pieces of art. It is an etching created in 1799 by an artist named Francisco Goya.
The meaning of the etching holds an entirely different reason to me, than Goya had intended to portray but the underlying fundamental principles are relatively the same.

When I view the picture I am instantly drawn to the dark monsters swooping in towards the sleeper and the dark creatures lying in wait, staring with daggered eyes, both at the sleeper and staring out at the viewer. It is an uneasy feeling but not one that is completely foreign to me. 

You see the title itself holds a lot of explanation. The sleep of reason........if you allow your logical reasoning to be suppressed, your imagination starts pushing through and running wild and therefore........produces monsters.

Depression has an overbearing urge to produce monsters, it's an absolute bastard like that. The most irrational and disturbing thoughts and feelings burst through, worst of which are guilt and shame. They really are the worst two feelings produced when your logical mind begins to crumble and your depressive hell-demons awaken. It's hard to describe to someone who has never been through it themselves or who doesn't have a close connection with someone who has, just how irrational your thought processes can be and that there really is nothing you can do about them.

I remember when I first had my little terroriser, I suffered with post natal depression and for the first time in my life I suffered panic attacks. Let me just say my heart goes out to anyone that suffers from panic attacks. Thankfully that was the first and hopefully the last time I had those and they are horrific. So to all you sufferers out there, I send my biggest hugs, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get them on a regular basis. Mine were brought on initially by the depression. The depression stripped me of my reason, which sent my mind into overdrive and the monsters began to appear. Basically it was stupid things like, my lovely partner saying he would be home relatively early (in my mind that's around 6ish) and him not showing up until 8. The monsters would drive me to thinking he had been killed in an accident on the way home or something horrific like that and I would literally melt down and have a panic attack.

This lack of reasoning happens a lot in depression generally. My partner would be a bit quiet (having an off day as most people do) and I would instantly feel guilty and ashamed because in my head I had caused him to be down, it was my fault he was being quiet and withdrawn. I would then proceed to run around after him doing whatever I could to rectify the problem or cheer him up and just generally attempt to fix the problem "I" had caused. Really all the problem was, he was just having an off day and in actual fact it had nothing, what so ever, to do with me. Still that sleep of reason makes you think EVERYTHING is your fault.

The reason I love this depiction so much is because now that I am better in myself, I can look at it and see that irrationality behind it. When my depression plays up I look at this picture and think 'NO, You will not get the better of me and I will think logically and rationally' and in actual fact that helps me to keep those awful traits of depression at bay. Mainly because I can see how irrational it is, which means I have the ability to change my thought process.

For anyone who suffers from depression if you can find something you can hold onto, to keep you in the logical world and stop you being dragged into the neurotic, crazy, guilt ridden world, then I suggest you hold on to it as tight as you can. That one tiny thing, whatever it may be (for me it's just a picture) can really help to fight back those illogical thoughts, awaken your reasoning and keep those monsters at bay.

Save the NHS

Today was the first day in a very long time that I actually felt proud of something I had done.

38 degrees is a wonderful site, through which you can create petitions in support of various things. When the save the NHS petition flagged up I didn't hesitate to sign it. Today (28th Feb 15) there was a nationwide day of action where people were taking to the streets to attempt to collect all the signatures they possibly could to support and save our NHS from privatisation.

Basingstoke had nothing planned so I put out messages and set up a facebook event to encourage people from all over the town to come along and support the petition.

When I first put the event up on the 38 degrees website I was a bit discouraged by some peoples comments. What seemed like an innocent "save the NHS" thing to me started to spiral into a political debate. Luckily there were those who could see there was no underlying political agenda and I was simply trying to promote the cause and they quickly silenced the others.

I was pleasantly surprised by the turn out and it was nice to see that aside from the earlier political arguements, people from all walks of life (and different party backgrounds) came together to help promote and collect signatures.

After just over an hour and half people began to withdraw. The weather was against us, it was wet, windy and cold and when you're stood in a town centre with a clip board people will avoid you at all costs. You have to convince them you're not after their pennies!

Town was pretty quiet (probably due to the weather) and we decided after around 2 and a half hours to call it a day. I can proudly say, at a quick glance, we gained over 300 signatures. Once people realised what we were doing we didn't even have to discuss it in depth, they were there, pens at the ready. Though some people walked past, clearly not wanting to be hassled, most people were very keen to get their signatures down and it really did make me realise how much the NHS means to this country. We are the envy of the world when it comes to healthcare and we should be proud of what we have and protect it.

A week ago I had a minor operation and I couldn't fault a single thing. Two years ago I spent a few weeks in hospital prior to the birth of my beautiful little terroriser and again I couldn't fault a thing.  Every experience I've ever had has been brilliant. The level of care is fantastic. I know sometimes mistakes are made and people have had bad experiences but we're all human and we would do well to remember that.

All I would ask from my family,  friends,  colleagues and all you wonderful people reading this who haven't got a bloody clue who I am.......please help save our most treasured asset. Without it we are seriously doomed. The quality of care will diminish and our most vulnerable will suffer. Please follow the link below to sign the petition.

Please help us to SAVE OUR NHS xXx

For more information and to sign the petition please visit:

www.38degrees.org.uk/nhs

You may even find some other things to get involved in!

The picture below shows a hospital bill from the US for a young man that was taken in with Appendicitis. Luckily some of the costs were covered by his father's insurance, unluckily the amount left was still quite substantial. This is the kind of thing we're looking at if we give up on our NHS.

My Demon is Finally at Bay

I wrote the following in December 2013 and since then I am very proud and happy to say that me and my demon have finally found a way to coexist. We have a healthy balance between us and we keep each other in check. We had a bit of a clash around December 2014 but we had a little chat and both backed down.

Everyday I am feeling stronger, happier, healthier and more able to cope with what life throws at me. I have not yet found inner peace but I have found the road that leads to it and I am well on my way. I'm posting this to firstly remind myself of how far I've come and to remind myself to be proud of my achievements and victories no matter how small they may be and secondly to say to anyone out there battling their own demons/black dogs etc... you are not alone!

" That dark shadow lurking in the background has stepped forward again. I thought I finally had it under control but it seems I was being lulled into a false sense of security. I am now up to 40mg of citalopram and quite frankly my life is great. So why in the hell is it back? How has it managed to manifest yet again? Why does it present itself when I'm happy and settled and things are going well?

I'll tell you why, because I let my guard down and it is an opportunistic b*stard just like bacterial diseases.
The last couple of months have been a mental nightmare and I can safely say alcohol has been the main catalyst to an explosive cocktail. What can I say "it's xmas"! If you ask most people with depression there will be some form of vice, whether it is alcohol or drugs or who knows what, but they will tell you they need an outlet. My was alcohol, I wanted to go out, drink and forget all my troubles by dousing them in spirits!
I had been out a few times and had literally a few drinks but those drinks in combination with the dosage of citalopram was enough to turn me into a vile absolutely crazy monster. I became uncontrollable, angry and spiteful towards the one person I care about most in the world, my rock, my hero, the absolute love of my life. I started spouting gibberish and I was confusing a fantasy dream world and a very over active imagination with reality, talking to people who weren't really there and quite honestly it was starting to scare people around me and it was scaring myself!
Note to self when a doctor gives you tablets and says "it's not advisable to drink on these" it's probably a really bad idea to drink on them.
So once again I'm in the position of asking that question that me and a lot of people who suffer with this, hate..............please help me because I'm not coping. The drinking was my cry for help, but it is very rarely seen as that. You just have to bite the bullet and actually ask.

Why am I writing this? Why am I sharing this with the entire online world? Same reasons as always....................sharing is caring and I want those of you in a similar situation to know that you're not alone, that everything WILL be ok, that YOU will be fine and help is available if you want it and I would really recommend getting it.

Now don't get me wrong I am not an alcoholic, I'm talking about going out once a month maybe, but that was enough to ignite a raging fire and allow the darkness to fall back over me, a darkness which I had just managed to push back and keep at bay, through hard exhausting work and in a couple of months it had come tearing back through.

A few days ago I had a chat with a very intelligent, remarkable man. He told me about his demon and how it's always with him. It's there when he goes out with the lads, it's there when he's sat on the sofa, sat right next to him just waiting. He said he realised that it is always with him so instead of fighting it all the time he began to live with it and co-exist and eventually he took the control from his demon and now he is in full control of his life.
This made me realise that trying to fight my demon (depression) is always going to be a losing battle because it's not going anywhere. Even your doctor will tell you that - once you have a major depressive episode you are prone to further depressive episodes. So I must try to live with it.
Now I have only drawn to this conclusion today so this is the start of my journey, my co-existence with that dark lurking ominous presence. As it has been quoted to me "you are ill, you will always be ill but you can get better" better........not cured. I was always looking for a cure (aren't we all), a quick fix, pop a pill and it will all magically go away. Truth is with mental illness there is no straight answer, no quick solution, no magic pill to take the pain and suffering away or in some cases a pill to give you some sort of feeling or emotion, because depression (in my case anyway) leaves you void of all emotion. That's one of the hardest parts for me. I crave some emotion, any emotion even despair, sadness, anything at all. I don't care what. It's better than feeling nothing at all because the numbness is a killer and that's what pushes me to think, I may as well not be here.

Different people deal with it differently..........because they are different - key word right there.
Instead I am now looking at coping mechanisms, structure, routine. I am also looking to make myself stronger so that I am in control of my demon, so that it is kept at bay and we learn to co-exist with a healthy balance between us. I don't know how long it will take me to find that balance, I don't even know if I'll find it but I'm going to give it a damn good try, for my loved ones, but more importantly for myself.

So here I am once again hitting an all time low but I now know what I'm up against and acceptance is the key.
I accept I am ill, I accept I will be ill for the rest of my life, I accept that I will need medication, I accept that alcohol is a terrible catalyst, I accept that it is ok to ask for help but most importantly I accept myself, who I am, my responsibilities and I accept that the darkness, the demon is part of me and I need to learn to live with it. Finally I accept all that I am and all I can be and I promise to myself that person will be healthy, happy and amazing  "

What Are You??? I'm a Teenager!

When I was 14 I wanted to be a prostitute! Yep you read that correctly! I was always a romantic daydreamer from a very young age and my obsession with my 'happily ever after' started with Disney. Damn you Disney! I always wanted to be whisked away to marry prince charming and live in a big castle with beautiful dresses and tiaras.

At 14 I was obsessed with Pretty Woman (great film btw in case you younger lot haven't seen it) and I wanted that! The notion of sex never crossed my mind, I just wanted to be swept off my feet and to find my happily ever after in the arms of a man who gave me the world. Wow how my thoughts on such things have changed, but that's a story for another time.

When I say the notion of sex never crossed my mind, I mean that sex was the last thing I was thinking about (the thought of it grossed me out) probably should have been the first thing to spring to mind when you say 'prostitute' but hey. I used to watch Jerry Springer and other such shows and there was always stories of teenage runaways who had got themselves into prostitution etc... and well honestly it seemed exciting to me. Run away from home, be a rebel, live my life as an adult not have to answer to anyone. At 14 years old I didn't understand the dark world that lay beneath the exciting grown up one. Thankfully, I never had the balls to run off and do it!

At 17 (still very naive and pretty sheltered from the world) I wanted to be an escort, because then I wouldn't have to have sex with people (and you'll learn in time I'm ridiculously prudish so would have failed at the whole prostitute thing anyway), I would just attend glamorous dinners, parties and events as someones date and I'd get paid for it! This suited me much better.

When I eventually learned the ways of the world and how stupid the things I wished for were, I was glad I decided to stay at home and live a normal teenage life but my romantic side still got the better of me and I moved in with 'the love of my life' and married him and shortly after divorced him. This was the hugest mistake ever but again....that's another story for another time. 

My reasons for wanting to run away were not due to my family or my home life. Growing up wasn't easy, I lived on a council estate and sometimes times were hard but I had a wonderful family who loved, supported and cared for me and provided me with a warm, comfortable home.
My reason pure and simple, was excitement.

As a teenage you have to deal with social pressures, peer pressure, a wealth of emotions triggered by raging hormones and you are trying to establish who you are and how you fit in this world. 

Deep down I honestly believe THAT is the reason behind these young girls leaving their families and their 'boring' lives behind to join the ranks of ISIS and other such organisations. These girls are normal teenagers who have probably been swept away by a rock star notion of fighters in Syria and I think it's unfair to say that they have been radicalised (because we don't know that for sure) or that they are terrorists. Yes ok they shouldn't have taken that step further and actually gone but it is a romanticised fantasy that all young teenage girls experience. I don't care if they were A-grade top of the class students, by my experience, if anything, that means they're lacking in common sense - my theory (though I'm yet to prove it scientifically) the more intelligent you are, say academically, the less common sense you have.

This aside they all seem to come from relatively good yet in a way sheltered families. I also think it's wrong to blame the families for not doing/saying/keeping a closer eye on their children. I mean seriously ask yourself, how many times as a teenager did you sneak out, go somewhere when you said you were going somewhere else, lie, drink, steal (I'm talking chocolate not jewels). How many times did you think to yourself 'if my parents find out, I'm dead' and yet people say that, because these girls have taken that step further it must be the parents fault for not keeping a closer eye.

These days it must be harder than ever for parents, what with the technology that's available to their children like smartphones, emails, social networks etc... and kids generally being smarter with the use of this technology. I mean damn, my 2 year old can work my smartphone, she knows exactly how to unlock it and find Dora the Explorer on netflix.
I really feel for these girls as I don't think they realised what they were walking into and my heart sincerely goes out to their families who must be broken with fear, despair and worry. I'm glad I never had the balls to go through with any of my wacky fantasies and that's exactly what they were...A teenage girls fantasy! But for those who do go ahead and take that extra step, I really hope that one way or another it works out for you. I hope that you find happiness and peace and most importantly I hope you are safe and well.

To all the teenage girls (and boys, let's not forget this is not a gender specific problem) with exciting, fantastical dreams...I know how desperate you are to be a grown up, I know how much you want to find your place in this world and establish yourself but you really do have the rest of your lives to find out who you are and where you're meant to be. Enjoy the time you have now with your family, friends and loved ones or you may spend your life looking back with regret stuck in a place you don't want to be. Trust me I've been there (for the record no I did not become a prostitute/escort) and it is so hard to break free of the regret that you feel for all that you gave up.

To the 3 young ladies who today, we found out, have now crossed into Syria and in fact to ALL the young ones who have left their lives in search of something better.... my thoughts are with you and your families. I truly hope you are safe, happy and well, and I hope you do not grow to regret your decision. If you are not happy, always remember you have a home to return to and that your families love you. I'm sure all they want is your safe return.

Dear Mummy

Dear Mummy,

Today you will only be permitted one cup of hot tea, to hug, you will not drink it unless it is stone cold but don't worry, you'll eventually learn to tolerate it.

You will only be allowed to eat two spoonfuls of your cereal (whilst they are still crunchy) the rest you can have forty minutes or so later when they are mushy and soggy.

I have not yet decided whether or not I will allow you to break for lunch. That decision will entirely depend on your performance as my entertainment monkey.

You will only be permitted to pee in peace once today. If nature calls at any other point during the day I will time you to see how quickly you can do your business and return to me. Remember if you must go, you are required to shout and communicate with me at all times or take me with you. Your choice.

When I blow raspberries at you during mealtimes you must smile and enjoy it. Pay no attention to the mess that's made.
It would be advisable for you to wear a plain old t-shirt as I may decide to throw up on you. This will entirely depend on the quality of food you give me and your ability to successfully wind me, so in essence, if vomiting occurs it's technically your fault.

You will enjoy the game of "I'm a little octopus" that we shall play every time you change me and try to redress me. I find this game highly amusing which is why I like to play it so much.

Remember through all this I love you and I'm trying to make your day more entertaining.

Have a wonderful day, enjoy it and good luck xxx

To my darling daughter,

Despite being a terroriser, I will allow the above because you are cute and I love you............and really you give me no choice in the matter :) xxx

Motherhood, Depression and the Hardest Question...Help Me Please

I wrote this on wordpress almost two years ago to share with the world how bloody difficult becoming a parent is. I would say, especially if you suffer with a mental illness but you know what...becoming a parent is bloody hard regardless of whether you're mentally healthy or not. The sleepless nights, the lack of adult connection, the constant images of blissful happiness you are 'supposed' to be living. What you're served up with is a beautifully romantic tale of boy meets girl and then a wonderous event occurs and they have a darling child who completes their life and everything is wonderful and they live happily ever after. Sound familiar? You know it's bullshit! So I wanted to share with you my first ever blog to give some insight into what exactly to expect...and I'm afraid it's not going to be sugar-coated.

" So giving birth is actually the easy part!

I want to start by saying a massive thank you to my family, especially my mum, sister and my partners mum, to my friends and our little group who are always available for company and to eat whatever I provide them with (I'm a feeder) best way to get company...give them food. Thanks for all your support and help over the past few months and finally thank you to my wonderful partner. Without you I can not exist.

For those of you who don't know, I suffer with depression, which has been insanely bad since having my beautiful baby girl. She is the most beautiful, perfect little being that anyone could ever ask for and I am truly blessed to have her in my life but in all honesty I have only recently felt this way about her. When she was first born I was completely unprepared for what being a parent entailed and quite frankly it was hell!

I am sharing this with you because some of you may have been through it yourself, some of you may be about to go through it and like myself your expectations may be completely different, or you know someone who is about to embark on this incredible painful, emotional and terrifying journey and I want you to know the truth, to know you're not alone and to know we're all in this together.

If it's yourself, my advice is stay strong, keep your chin up and don't be afraid to ask for help.........from EVERYONE!

If it's someone you know all you need to do is be there for them. The simpliest things such as making a cuppa can make the hugest difference to their day.

I am also writing this because I know that the books, health professionals, pictures and every little piece of information given to you will make you feel like crap if you find your situation and feelings don't match the "gospel".....and that's exactly what it is for a new mum, any information given to us we take as gospel and we become distressed and start to believe we are failures, we start to question ourselves and our ability to do what other women across centuries have done. Why aren't I as happy as the mum and baby in that picture, why is such and such down the street coping fine with this and I am not? I wonder if deep down the other new mums around me are also hiding behind a fake smile and are just as troubled? Of course they are, look a bit closer they are just as bloody tired, just as upset and frustrated but whether it's the British etiquette that resides in us or the overwhelming urge to be mum of the year, we all lie! "How's it going?" "Oh, good thanks, yeah, we're a little tired but apart from that it's wonderful". I call bullshit!

For the first 3 weeks of my daughters life all I did was cry. I started to have panic attacks and I genuinely thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life and that I had completely ruined my partners life. I was ready for him to leave me and I was ready to find a way to cope by myself (now don't get me wrong, my little terroriser was a wanted baby, during pregnancy I was so excited and desperate to meet her) but when she arrived a flood of emotion arrived with her and it wasn't at all what I expected. You know the instant bond, undying love and all that other crap you're fed through various media? Yeah I didn't get any of that. I honestly thought I had completely ruined our lives by bringing her into our world.

These thoughts aside, my amazing boyfriend stood by me and has been the most perfect and supportive person in the world. He has seen me through my lowest points and helped me to fight the depression head on. He may not fully understand the workings of my brain (let's be honest even Freud couldn't) but he stills loves me and my mental ways and is always there for me.

Throughout the pregnancy (which was horrendous by the way) he was an absolute gem. When I was in pain, discomfort or just balling my eyes out at 4 in the morning he was there, rubbing my back, making me tea and just holding me and comforting me. He constantly wished he could take the pain away and I would smile and say it would all be worth it.

When she was born things just got worse. She wouldn't take to breastfeeding  (and breast is best don't you know!) and I remember the final night of attempting to feed her I was up on the hour every hour and I finally broke with exhaustion. That's when my mum showed up with formula and formula, by the way, is NOT giving up. Letting your child starve is giving up, ok!!! Don't let anyone EVER make you feel shit because breastfeeding didn't work for you. I was so exhausted my partner and my mother took over so I could finally sleep. I do not doubt, for one minute that my wonderful partner was himself suffering from stress, exhaustion and maybe even feeling a little low but he never showed it. He just carried on and supported me.

In a way this didn't help my depression as I began to feel guilty for him and as always I tried to put him (and others) before myself (depression is a bastard like that, it makes you feel guilt and shame for no apparent reason ). I knew that he worked hard all day so I felt crap knowing that his day didn't finish when he got home because he would then have to console a teary, stressed out woman who spent her days caring for her child and neglecting herself which meant he then had to care for me.

Now this is not a selfish point I am raising, though it will sound it and I will explain why. If you neglect to care for yourself, you can not care for your child, simple as that! I stopped eating, drinking and sleeping (kind of vital things for the whole staying alive thing), I became very ill and unable to even muster up the brain power to construct a basic sentence. I had become a bumbling, weak wreck. My day consisted of caring for the baby, feeding her, changing her, consoling her, there was nothing in the day for me not even a cup of tea (tea is good by the way, it is a magical elixir). When you have deprived yourself of the basic substances needed to sustain your body and give you energy you start to fail at carrying out the simpliest tasks such as caring for your child. I was so weak, I was struggling to lift her.

So the point I'm making is take care of yourself first! Yes I said it....PUT YOURSELF FIRST! Sure your baby is your top priority but she NEEDS you fit, healthy, emotionally and physically able to care for her. She is dependant entirely on you.

This is but a snippet of the things I have endured mentally. I am by no means cured of depression and every day is a different struggle but things are getting better. I am actually starting to feel again. I have emotions and I am making a proper connection with my daughter and we are starting to bond, something initially I was unable to do. With the support of partner, my mum, my family and friends I took action. I sought medical help and I have been put back on a high dose of antidepressants and I have been given a wealth of support by health professionals.

I was numb, I was void of all feelings and emotions and didn't feel anything towards my beautiful new baby. I wasn't bonding, I didn't feel maternal and I didn't feel that instant rush of love that is described in all the baby literature. When I looked at her I despaired, all I could think is "What the hell have I done? I can't do this".

Now when I look at her I get a warm adoring sensation. I absolutely love her. We talk babble to each other, I sing to her, kiss her and we are bonding as mother and daughter should. I am feeling again and everytime I look at her I can't help but smile.

So to those of you who have/are currently/or will experience the joys of motherhood, if it doesn't go by the book then do not despair.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

There are lots of us out there who have and are still struggling. I take it slowly day by day and I still suffer some horrendous down days but I thought I would share this brief glimpse into part of what I've been through in the hope that it encourages you to speak up if you are feeling down or like you can't cope. There is lots of help out there all you have to do is ask. "

Since writing that I have gone from strength to strength. My beautiful terroriser is almost 2 and yes there are some really shit days and days where I want to bury my head to escape the constant whinging but things are better. I wouldn't change her or my situation for the world but the one thing I always make sure I do is tell the damn truth! Today has been shit because of this, this and this, I no longer sugar coat or essentially lie to cover up what I'm feeling, which if you all ask yourself (honestly now!!!) is that not better? Let's share and support each other instead of dying inside whilst smiling and saying to Mrs Jones "oh no, everything is perfect, we've never been happier".

Mental health issues or not being a parent is bloody hard work and me and a million other parents are right there with you, through the good and the bad times! If you are suffering don't be afraid to speak out and ask for help and don't be afraid to share your true feelings. You may even find that 'perfect mum' you speak to at the toddler classes is feeling just as under pressure as you are and you'll be surprised where a little honesty will lead you.